SOULConfidence: Moments Of Inspiration: The Journey To Self Validation with Adenike Adedokun

"In past times and even in our present age, many people make their self esteem dependent on other people"

Sola and Segun have been dating for a few years with no definite plan for the future asides their constant romantic engagements to spice up their relationship. The whole love story began when Segun visited his Aunt in her local environ in the outskirts of Lagos. She was not expecting him as he bumped into her while in her yard in the early hours of the morning to request for her assistance in obtaining his masters degree abroad. She was upset with him due to his unexpected arrival that brought no better news than one that would send her brain racking on which accounts to close down again.

Aunty Funmi was widowed and had been having some financial problems with her customers for some months with no help from the family. Segun, being part of the family definitely wasn't aware. He had been busy hustling in the barracks with his friends, making plans to join the Air Force at the United States after his masters.

Sade happened to be a neighbour that assisted Aunty Funmi from time to time with chores during her holiday visits from the University of Lagos. She became so fond of her that she began treating her like a mother.

Sade had lost her parents in a ghastly motor accident at age of 12 and was staying with her uncle, whose wife treated her like her maid and not a daughter, hence, she got close to Aunty Funmi.

She was in the kitchen helping with the stacks of plates when she overheard Segun plead with his Aunt. His aunt was trying to make him understand that she was short on cash due to her unfaithful customers and had been lending money to pay her suppliers.

Sade got attracted to the voice of a helpless boy who desired to study and face his future and she wished she could be of help. She left the dishes to render kind gestures to him as he knelt at the entrance. Her kinds words in trying to explain to him made him weak as he realised there was no hope of getting money from his Aunt. A midst his pain, he was still struck by the kind gestures rendered to him by this stranger.

He made an attempt to rise but she paused him with her hands offering him a cup of water. He kept wondering where this angel surfaced from in the midst of his problems. Thus began their friendship and the rest is history.

It's two years after that incident and fourteen months into the dating lane and a lot has happened between them. Sade seems to seek so much validation from Segun out of insecurity and low self esteem. Her kind words have become needles that prick him every now and then. She complains bitterly about his movement, lifestyle, and recent habits. Segun seems to have lost interest in her as she has become too available and always nagging.

Sade nags because she needs a change but Segun gets irritated often. They have been staying together for six months and Segun hasn't raised the issue of Marriage. He relented on his move towards masters as at two years back but now works in a good company with a good pay. He seems comfortable but with no future plan.

Was it her fault? What went wrong? Why the sudden change? Why does he not find her attractive anymore? She keeps trying to solve the puzzle but let's take a further look.

A lot seems to be wrong but what can be done?

Sade is battling with a lot from the inside. Her quest for a love that can quench her deepest fears looks rumpled. She lacked the love of a parent. She feels broken and alone. She needs someone to make her feel complete but seeking a relationship as a way out was completely wrong. She needs to overcome the emotional threats built around her growing up. She needs to define her struggles and face her shadows and fears. She needs to understand who she is and fight her battles but not using the heart of a man to measure her success. She was kind to him and that's what attracted him to her. That is who she is but deep down, there is a hurting emotional state that needs urgent and lasting attention. Segun sensed all her weaknesses and took advantage of her rather than help her. That is what separates love from lust. I digress.

So many people have gone in search of relationships to find answers to their deep emotional issues. They have secret tears and are in a search of a shoulder to cry and lean on, ears that would listen and open arms that would always offer a hug hence, they take no cognisance of the parasitic nature.

Sade needs help and help, she needs fast. Her constant nagging is as a result of her fears and tears. She has become a monster, a shadow of herself, a nag, sex toy, constantly abused as proof of love. Where and who does she turn to?

Segun on the other hand is hurt by all the turn downs he received when he needed help. He thought he had forgiven and forgotten but scars kept itching. He doesn't seem to want to settle with his status but he needs to keep moving. He has a woman's touch for free and readily available so he just preys on his predator like a hungry lion. He also needs a mindshift but has he realised this?

Are you constantly weighed down by the storms in the past? Are you blinded by bad experiences, influences and threats? Are you still operating on a selfish path of life?

Listen!

Life is in phases and your life is determined by the choices you make. Quit moving around with the "wilderness mentality" and strive to make a change. You need a mind shift. It's a journey not a one day work. It goes beyond decision and determination. You need to guide your heart for out of it are the issues of life.

How?

Take a step by defining who you are, your past and it's effect on you.

Ask yourself 'Where am I heading to and what is the component behind my present status?'

Desire a change. Talk to a trusted counsellor. Let's rub mind together in becoming a better you.

You need a healthy emotional mind to live a balanced life. You need to understand your personality and sexuality. Until you do, everyone would keep trampling on you.

Choose to live healthy and stay purified!

Adenike our Relationship coach will like to teach us further. Would you be interested in a mind shift that would help you master your emotions, sexuality and help you in finding the right partner?